1. Describe a time when you were in exile or had wandered away from your truest self or abandoned your deepest values. 

I arrived at adulthood quite loosely formed and ill-prepared for the roles of partner, parent, or even peer. In retrospect I was probably trying to understand and meet the expectations of those around me a lot of the time. There were periods where I felt very lost, confused, and disconnected from my ‘truest self’. 

Listening for where I was authentically drawn spiritually seems to have been significant. I recall being drawn to the Psalms and the sense of finding there the God that I knew (and who knew me). In that vein I’ve been drawn to more existentialist-nuanced authors like Peterson, Vanier, Brueggemann, Heschel etc. Working through some of these books together with others in community has been formative and brought a sense of finding ground somehow.  In that vein, listening for ways of bringing myself honestly to community is nurturing a sense of ‘home’ in new ways for me I think. Participating through music has been and continues to be significant way of bringing ‘myself’ too. 

- Verda

Like all of us Watersheddians, I have gone up and down the faith escalator - sometimes, I am a true-believing keener; at other times, I am a cynical doubter. Lately, I have been taking the swing into unbelief. Not at a core level but more at a feeling level, a trusting devotional level. It is not as much Isaiah-like as Ephesians-like, wherein Revelation it is said that they had lost their first love. Maybe the Isaiah pre-exile experience was more like a loss of first love? Perhaps these ancient believers in both situations just got tired and reverted to their natural instincts, especially their instinct for safety, security, and comfort. Like them, I am a 'comfort hound,' and I have been disturbed because I find that I can not fit comfortably into a faith rhythm that makes sense to me. I want to authentically believe, but I often tend to be cynical. I am determined not to let this ennui defeat me, so I continue on "wanting to want to" live a more vibrant faith life.

Strangely this period of doubtful faithfulness has been doing good work in me. At least I want to believe so. My doubt has led to a sort of humbling admission that I cannot, through willfulness, eliminate doubt and especially the lack of faith I sense in myself lately. This morning I was directed to a passage in Philippians that is very familiar. I saw something new and relevant that addresses my situation. That I cannot force myself to have Christ's mind, be genuinely humble, or put others before myself or be full-heartedly obedient. The text without a particular addendum was discouraging because I know I don't have this mind of Christ in me for the most part, or even much. The supplement , so essential, is a blatant reminder that it is not up to us to have our lives enfolded in Christ. Instead, God is our motivator, the one at work within us to "...continue to work out your salvation, with great fear and trembling, because God is energizing you so that you will desire and do what always pleases Him" (Philippians 2:12b,13). It might be that I am being reminded not to "try too hard" because that only enhances my ego, especially if I am successful. And when I am not I become hopelessly depressed that I can't. Paul cries out in Romans 8: "Who can deliver me from this back and forth life?" (paraphrase). Sure as heck ain't me! It is Christ working in me.

The ancient Israelites and I are being moved to continue our Torah obedience. For me, that is the spiritual practices of prayer, worship, study, and service. God moves me to do these things no matter how discouraged or cynical I become, and lo and behold; eventually, after a cloudy dark night, I have found myself, with little explanation, joyful and content. The spiritual swings are there, but I think I am slowly learning that even the dark night of the soul propels me into the love of God ... eventually. When I turn away from faithful practice, lose hope in God's faithfulness, our ancient progenitors, and I lose myself.

- Paul

2. Describe a homecoming where something in yourself or the world was healed.

In 2011 I started a 12-step workbook with Charlotte from church. It was at the same time that Finding Freedom started and Charlotte and Janet both spoke highly about their experiences with this program. When I came to step 5, the woman I was confessing to said, "finally Jen you are broken, finally God can do something." In my deepest self this felt true although I could not imagine a different future for myself.

I wrote this word of comfort from God in my journal: "Jen, You have been digging into the truth of who you are for quite some time. Now rest in the truth of who I am in you. You are not perfect and will never be perfect. I know about all the mistakes of your future, but it's OK because I have woven them into My plan. I want you to let go and enjoy me, enjoy learning, enjoy growing. I made you a curious girl with a loving heart - let me direct your thoughts and steps. You didn't do this step perfectly, but you are open, you are willing, that is what I ask. I do not condemn you, I love you - you beneath the masks. I can't wait to see you emerge. I am doing it."

- Jen

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